I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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