Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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