summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
