This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
