Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
