I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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