there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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