My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
im holly from the hills drunk
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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