The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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