I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
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did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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