Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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