I think I won the penis lottery.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
