this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
