My brain says no but my pants say off.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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