Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
