cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
