I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
