If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
