We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
