the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
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The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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