How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
