why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
pray to the hookup gods
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
