My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize