I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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