Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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