I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
