Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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