I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
