What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
