im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Randomize
