splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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