mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
