Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
