so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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