he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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