Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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