So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
