so explain again why im purple
no
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
