mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
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I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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