haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
