I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
