Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
