i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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