How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
