Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
