Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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