I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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