I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
