Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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