im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
