I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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