some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
