Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
