the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
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