you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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