I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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