there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
